My orgasmic background until the age of 38 was incredibly limited. As I have shared my story with many woman that walk through our doors at Tantra Evolution, I have noticed the parallels that have emerged, patterns that run throughout our lives, not just sexually, in every arena from relationships to parenting to career choices.
A teacher once said to me that the way we are in bed is the way we are in all areas of our lives
At the time I disagreed vehemently.
Until I really, really thought about it.
And the pieces fitted. I had faked orgasm with everyone until I was 38 years old, keeping other people’s egos and pride happy, suppressing my own real pleasure response. I had only experienced clitoral orgasm through toys, shower heads and extremes of temperature.
I had no idea how powerful my sexual response could be, how much pleasure I was truly capable of.
Then I looked at my life.
I had done exactly the same thing. In my career I had made many decisions that involved avoiding anger, having the response that served another’s expectation, not my desire.
And I could have been with the most skilled lover in the world and still done exactly the same things, because it was all I knew.
In childhood, many of us learn how to survive. Those patterns are the ones that are so deep that we often cannot even recognize them until they come into awareness.
I learned that people liked you more if you gave them what they wanted.
I learned that men liked you a lot if you fulfilled their fantasies.
I learned there was less pressure at work if you hid the fact that you were really talented, never out shining anyone around you.
And I learned to say yes and suppress.
The way I was sexually, was my core patterning.
I had to repattern my responses to begin not just manifesting more orgasms, more pleasure, but to free myself from the belief system I had used to survive.
Sexual energy was my key to awareness.
This is the energy we use in our healing work, combined with what we term as “The Heart Touch”.
So much of what we do is about healing.
Yet the really exciting work is what happens after that, when people realize its about their entire lives, the patterns that are limiting them, the choices they make that are not about serving their passion, their highest excitement, with awareness and love.
That’s what happened for me. I had my first real orgasm with myself, for myself, by myself.
A creative flood ensued, and a move into the field of what Jonti and I have termed “Conscious Sexuality”
Have I changed sexually? Yes. As I was listing the 12 orgasms I had a huge realization.
There were now 13. My pleasure possibilities with my sexual energy repatterning had gone beyond!
I’m talking about energy not just having sex.
Energy that can be tapped into, meditated into, breathed into, made love into, written into..
So many expressions of creativity and sexual energy.
I have learned to say “No” authentically. To say “No” for me. To say “No” to things that at that moment are not ok for me. I say this with a beating heart, often huge fear, and amazing relief that the world doesn’t actually implode!
The beautiful repatterning is that
when I say “Yes” now, I mean it, body, mind and soul.
My life is orgasmic. My life has gone beyond 12 orgasms
And it all started with 1 orgasm….