(Written on the 20th July 2010)
It’s amazing how your ego can fool you into thinking your happiness or peace of mind is based upon anothers’ reaction or actions towards you.
I caught myself at this last night.
In the “If only” land. If only I had a reply, I would know where I stand.
If only they wouldn’t withdraw from me, I would be happy
If only it was like a previous situation I could find that feeling again.
Thank God for the books I have at my disposal currently. Truly divine universe manifestation, if you ask for answers, they will be present, you just have to be willing to see them!
How we drag the past kicking and fucking screaming into the present moment to either justify our misery, or try and blame another’s actions or even lack of response to us, for any disquieting feelings in the moment of now.
When I took a deep breath and actually asked the question “What am I feeling now?”
Well, last night I actually started laughing! Cause the moment I tried to define my anxiety WITHOUT BLAMING ANYONE ELSE, I couldn’t.
My anxiety was totally and completely based on other people’s reaction or action toward me.
I actually felt my energy shift.
A fretted, nervous energy lifted away to just find me sitting in the bath laughing!
All the reasons I had just found to explain the lack of reaction, future projection, and need to control the situation disappeared when faced with the understanding of why they were there.
The ego is such a tricky bastard.
It nearly had me buying into the drama again.
Which is really, really, really tricky when you emote for a living! When your job is to manufacture emotions on a stage to provoke response in an audience, and you ARE REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT THIS, realize how difficult it is to shut it down as an ego response in your actual life!!!!
The fantastic thing is, once you realize it’s the role of the ego to manufacture reasons, whirling in emotion that you will feel completely justified in having, to keep you locked into that same role, the role of “woe is me”, the illusion is shattered.
The magician is seen, and the trick is revealed. He then has no choice but to mutter quietly to himself, and get off the stage.
The thing is for me, to immediately recognize the drama. I see it in others instantly. Which of course, by its very nature of recognition, means it is something that I manufacture in my own life too. The splinters we see so clearly in another’s eye and all that.
So, how to keep seeing the trick? How to see past the ego providing reasons and justifications to “let” you be anxious, miserable, worried, upset or fearful?
Recognize those emotions.
Ask yourself why you are feeling them. If any reason surfaces that has any blame or justification attached to another soul, understand it’s your ego wanting control.
And your ego is very satisfied with keeping you miserable, as then you will believe you are separate from others, it’s an “us and them” situation, and it can survive.
Then consciously choose how you will feel about the situation, when you remove any blame or justification from it.
Even if some of the blame and justification is being placed upon you (If only I’d reacted differently, if only I hadn’t said that etc etc)
The past is over.
And to make it relevant to the current moment you are experiencing is not only going to drive you dotty with your mind going over the same ground time and time again, but is completely irrelevant.
You cannot change the past. It is what it is.
You can only make decisions that serve you in the moment of right now, where they can impact on your tomorrow. So, the only past you can change is the one you are currently having.
For this moment currently undergone becomes your past.
Let it go. Leave it be. Do it consciously. Do it again and again and again, until you keep choosing the processes that serve you and bring peace. Every time it surfaces, catch it by the toe, examine it, see exactly what it is based in or upon, and release it. Understand that it is a choice to be unhappy.
And you have the power to make a different decision.
For when you realize you are a part of everyone, and they are a part of you, and we are all God, realized in human form, fear based illusion and/or ego which no longer serves us, or keep us content or present in the moment of now, your world will change, because you will see it differently. And it’s all perception.