(This piece was written in June 2010. The beginning of my awakening)
I want to share it here, now.
Sometimes the English language frustrates me. I love using language for images and jest, but it does grate me that for the most important energy in our lives, we only have one word, love.
One word. To cover every energy transfer between us, and the souls we contact in this linear dimension. One word to mentally process an all encompassing, infinite source of connection and realization
One word feels far too limited.
The process of falling in love, that gut induced energy, that firstly fills you to the point where you feel you may be forever lost in this single moment of connection. Of realization.
Which is normally followed by a similar whirlwind of fear about losing that connection.
The times in your life, where every song on the radio seems to be individually written for you, how did the lyricist know?
Where eating, drinking and any bodily functions seem to survive in suspended animation, waiting for the loved other to be back in our physical presence again.
There is nothing that feels like that all encompassing, obsession of new love.
Blame it on chemicals, blame it on oxytocin, blame it on the rain..
The thing about love is, to me, when it’s purely experienced, when you can get your ego out of the way for even a minute, it opens you up to more of itself. When the ego moves out of the way, the fear dissipates. Same attracts same. It changes your inner alignment in ways that I believe are purely quantum physics.
It can’t just be chemicals.
When I gave birth to my son, I fell in love too. But the PROCESS was completely different!
When I looked upon his physical form for the first time, I was transfixed. For the first 5 hours after his birth, my eyes hardly left his face. For the first two weeks of his physical existence, every time I looked into a mirror, I didn’t see my own face, but his, projected onto mine.
I believe he chose me, my understanding is that we do choose our own parents in the spiritual sphere where we know all, feel all, experience all and love all.
The fears with that process were different too. The fear that he didn’t receive enough nourishment from my tired and broken body, the continual checking to make sure he was still breathing. The falling asleep in a milk stained bed with this snippet of existence nuzzled up to my very core, dancing with him asleep in my neck like a small puppy.Crying, exhausted with joy and oxytocin, in this experience of motherhood.
Mother love, ever evolving, incorporating new aspects with each stage of childhood, the belonging of yourself totally and irrevocably to your infant, being the god in the universe of your child, exquisite omnipotence.
And now, my son is 11. Pre pubescent, and the love is different. I’m not the centre of his universe any longer, he’s at the centre of my constellation that lives in my heart, along with the stars of my love universe. He will have his first experience of falling in love soon, and I ache for him, knowing the rush and the fear that accompany that experience.
When people talk of puppy love, or teenage angst, not COUNTING, not being wholly important, they dismiss the process of love. The times in your life that compare with that giddy feeling are few and far between, so if you know love, the process of that energy, which we all choose to experience in some shape or form in this physical dimension, you know that EVERY experience of love alters your soul in some way, expands its’ capacity, opens you up to attracting more of the same.
And then there’s long love. the love that travels with you through your discoveries, your worst physical characteristics, your physical reality that gets revealed to this precious partner, this soul that walks years with you, through commitment, love, sex, argument, growth and safety. The love that stands in your corner, that truly wants the best for you.
There are still no guarantees on this love, although we try so hard, so desperately, to lawyer it in, to contract it. Yes, we can contract it. We can receive financial support, if the season of this love draws to close, but we cannot guarantee it. We have to revel in it every single day, knowing that although the love energy cannot leave us (we know that deep down) we could lose the physicality of it, the immediacy of the partner, the proximity.
So, day by day, we show gratitude to each other, in as many small ways as we can. We allow each other room to breathe, to grow, to expand our understanding of this 4 letter word, love.
The process of love has expanded for me in the past 2 weeks. Last night, I fell in love with myself. I felt a new consciousness of this energy, an all encompassing spiritual awareness, which has filled my physical being with light, and trembling energy.
I meditated last night, after looking into my own eyes in a mirror, and I expanded my soul, and my process of love. I do not have the words to truly explain this experience, but am so joyful to be in this heart space.
I am powerful