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As I’ve journeyed on my Tantric path, one of the things that has amazed me is how awareness and consciousness of self brings a way of being “moral” and “righteous” without the need to have others subscribe to exactly the same code as yourself.

Conscious people naturally take others needs and boundaries into consideration, without limiting themselves or their own spiritual growth. It’s a standing apart from the judgement that many moral systems impose, whilst treating firstly yourself, then others with honour and unconditional love.

This has really been a huge revelation to me, as rules, regulations and boundaries have always given me such “safety”. The reason for all the inverted commas? Realizing that all the words in inverted commas are actually not real, but concepts.

They feel real.

Which is why we subscribe to them. It’s actually only when they are given power and switched on internally for us as human beings that they work.

When there are rules in society that everyone is expected to follow, in a very fear based paradigm, when offenders are punished for breaking them, we have a sense of “safety” that is not necessarily real. For people do not all subscribe and follow the same rules, many break what they consider to be the stupid rules, and some murder and pillage.

And that outrages us, the ones who follow most of the rules.

I sat in my ivory tower judging those who broke the rules.

And as I began to examine myself, my rules, the ones I subscribed to in society, I realized I didn’t agree with all of them.

Now what to do? I want to live in a society that is not a free for all with anarchy, looting and bad driving, so how do I find a way?

I started as I think every well intentioned person does.

With a new list of rules!!!!

And then another, and another….

Until I got it. Although we’re not ready to be a completely rule free society yet, awareness and consciousness of yourself is the key.


You design safety in yourself, by looking at your desires, your fears, your love, your limitations, what SERVES you.

You design safety in yourself by releasing that which does not work for you anymore.

The things that gave me pleasure when I was a child are not the same things I like to do all the time anymore.

I do not wish to play dolls.

I still like to lie under my duvet with the electric blanket on and read a book.

What makes us think that at age 21 we suddenly just become an adult and everything falls into place? That’s actually a ridiculous concept. I was not the same at 9 as I was at 15. I am not the same at 41 as I was at 35.

I examine myself, what is working in my life, where lies my safety given to me by others.

And that’s the illusion. That if everyone just follows the same rules as me, we will all be happy.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, and I paraphrase

Selfishness is not living the way you would like, it’s expecting others to live the way you would like.

So, I began to think through my rules.

And I began to watch how I blindly obeyed them in society, and began to consciously obey instead, making a decision each time as best I could in that moment as to what served me.

To stop at a red traffic light is an idea that serves me.

Yet, it doesn’t serve me living in South Africa to stop at 2am, when I can see all oncoming traffic and I’m in a dangerous area.

So, what to do?

You follow the guidelines or “rules” consciously.

YOU decide what gives you safety in the situation.

Boundaries and rules become fluid.

You discuss with others what you would like, negotiating your own boundaries and theirs.

When they are rigid, they become either/or situations.

When they are fluid, it becomes what serves me as my highest self in this situation, without deliberately causing harm to others.

Conscious people would not play loud music in their townhouse complex at 2am. They wouldn’t need a rule.

With sexuality, it’s exactly the same.

Sexually conscious people make decisions for themselves, give themselves safety first, and then extend compassion and awareness to those around them.

Safety comes from within.

Your rules and boundaries are decided by you, for you.

Not by others, your partner, society.

And when you decide what serves you, consciously, there’s a natural progression that that extends to those around you.