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“The universe doesn’t revolve around you, you know.”

Have you ever been told that? Did you ever feel bad about your actions or thoughts because someone else told you they were self centered?

Such an interesting concept, because to be truly self- centered,  is to be centered in one’s own self.

Once you know what that is. Once you know who you are, once you have found out what you are not, then it may be the time to become truly settled in yourself, accepting of every part of yourself, even the bits that drive you and other people completely nuts.

For me, it’s impatience. I am so quick on the take intellectually with concepts, and the expansion of those within my mind, that the implementation and integration of concepts that I love and immediately see the truth in still becomes a laborious process, due to the lack of absorbtion or integration, or let me be honest with myself, discipline. Because my mind flits to the next idea so readily, the repetition and discipline of implementation often gets pushed to one side by my mercurial nature and ability to wow with raw talent.

Fireworks as opposed to lasting light a friend once told me.

Because of my misperceived understanding of love and the application of those misperceptions into my adult life until quite recently, I wouldn’t settle into a situation, choosing to intellectually get it, spout it to anyone willing to listen and ultimately keep trying to “sell” it to myself. The problem was, my soul and my inner being wasn’t buying it. Wrapped up in the data of what I believed love to be, without some sort of exchange I didn’t accept the reality of it in most cases. And of course, not accepting that it just is, I kept on looking for proof. Can you prove love? You can prove attention, adulation, applause. I equated those with love.

The exception is my child. I know I love him. The definition is easy there as in my soul I completely understand it. It’s accepting it freely given from others’ that I struggle with, the one I keep trying to earn and then control.

I have often been told that I am selfish or self centered. Being an only child it is a  label that has been applied time and time again.

Yet, to be truly centered is what I crave now. To awaken each day and make decisions that serve my soul first. With the understanding that I have of the universe, every decision that I make to awaken and settle who I truly am, every decision that brings me to a higher purpose to finally imbibe the love and blessings that surround me every single day, these are the rational actions of a conscious human soul. To choose action, not reaction, and realize that I create my own reality.

Intellectually, I get all of that. But it is incredibly recent event for me to truly absorb it.

I have meditated myself into a small coma lately, because the moment my mind starts with what I like to term the “mindcircles” then the way to break those circles of fear and insecurity and anxiety is to reconnect with the source, and the truth of concentrating on being in the moment. And meditating often takes me to a place where I finally see the jigsaw puzzle pieces falling into place.

Often I still choose unwisely for my purpose, and follow the pieces back into mind projection as opposed to soul projection. Making the outcomes visible in my head using my mind instead of going back inside to where the truth is. Once again, knowing with the vision of hindsight that the universe always provides perfection I keep trying to make it happen through my actions based upon my need for affirmation, instead of trusting that everything shall unfold exactly as it should. I’m choosing to see the perfection more often, there are still days when I doubt so strongly that I don’t see the truth at all, and my mind will tell me how stupid I am to believe in things I can’t see, to trust in people and situations I have not experienced and to be so BLIND to reality. I know it’s my ego now, but hey, I have been listening to that voice for years.

It’s a see saw at the moment, trying to find my centre. I feel like I am running from one side of the see saw to the other, occasionally finding incredible balance in the centre, but then overbalancing one way or the other.

I get that I have complete creative control, and yet whenever I see my dreams being manifested I often immediately try to channel them the way I think they should go, the way that makes me feel safest.

But that safety is an illusion. It’s old data. And the insanity of trying to push things into old patterns makes no sense. Almost as if I did a previous puzzle, and am trying to do the pieces exactly the same way with the new picture.

Relax and trust, relax and trust. So I meditate until relax and trust feels real, and I am choosing it as my reality.

And breathe. And feel.

So much choice, every moment, to choose to become centered.

The knowledge is all at my fingertips, I have the books, I have the internet, I have the guides and teachers, I am remembering, I am awakening.

I am just so impatient!!!

I guess what I really need to be is soul centered. Every choice in every moment made as being the most truthful and loving choice about who I am. And it is happening.

Slow and gentle.